Saying No - Training for Managers and Professionals

What you'll take away from this course in being able to 'Say No'

This course will develop your ability to say no firmly but unaggressively when you need to. It won't ever be easy, but it'll be easier. The key lies in using the two skills we'll help you master, empathy and assertiveness. It's as crucial in life and at work to be able to say what you don't want, as it is to be able to say what you do want.

How the skills you'll practise on this course will make you more more confident and successful at Saying No

Here's a firm but unaggressive way to say no 

It's one of the things you can practise and receive coaching on on the Skills with People course:-

• First, say something positive or appreciative about what you are being asked to do. And show understanding if you can for person who's asking you and the need that prompts them to ask. 
• Then take time to register privately how you feel about doing it. You might say, “I need moment to think about it.” or, “I need a few days to consider it”, or “I need to discuss it with ...”.
• Then say honestly how you feel and why, e.g., "I don't feel right about saying yes, because ..."
• Wait for their response.
• If they press you, be firmly assertive in saying no, e.g., “My decision is no, for the reason I have said. But thank you for asking.”

If you'd like some examples of how to say no, using the skills we'll help you develop on the course, read on ...

Why is it so hard to say no?

The reason why saying no is difficult is that it admits a clash of wills and risks confrontation. When it’s a relationship we care about the fear of conflict is always hard to handle. But if we can bring those feelings into the conversation they'll help us find the courage and integrity we need for saying no – as shown in these examples. At the bottom of the page is a set of practical guidelines on how to say no.

Two of the three examples are from conversations outside work, but the approach they illustrate is just as effective in the workplace:-

Example  1

15 year old son:  Dad, a friend of mine is having a party this weekend. It’s all right if I go, isn’t it? 

DAD (alarm bells start ringing):  Where is it?

SON:  In his parents’ house. I’ll only be away one night.

DAD (now feels under great pressure, but decides that rather than cave in and say ‘yes’ it would be better to be honest; speaks assertively): I’m not happy about it at all. I love you and think highly of you, but saying no to your friends when they ask you to do things that might not be good for you is very difficult even for an adult. I don’t think you’ve had enough experience yet to stand up to that kind of pressure. 

SON:  Lots of my friends are going. Their parents have a more modern outlook. 

DAD (finds courage and integrity in his gut feelings; continues to be assertive): I don’t like saying no to you, but my guts are telling me it would be wrong to say yes.

SON:  Oh, Dad! Don’t be so old fashioned. It’ll look really bad if I can’t go.

DAD (at last able to give a clear and firm ‘no’): You may be upset, but my answer’s no, and I’ve told you the reason why.

SON (secretly relieved, and feeling very safe and cared for): Oh, all right then.

Example 2

CLUB CAPTAIN:  Pete, there’s a vacancy on the club committee. You’re just the kind of person we need.  ’d like you to join us.

MEMBER (feels overwhelmed, but with mixed feelings): That’s very flattering, Chas. Thank you for the invitation. I need to think about it.

CAPTAIN:  What’s to think about? Just say yes.

MEMBER (admits his feelings):  I’d like to. But it doesn’t feel right. It would be one more reason not to spend time with my wife and children. I’m already away from home more than I want to be.

CAPTAIN:  It won’t take much time. We only meet once a month.

MEMBER (finally able to be firmly assertive): No thank you, Chas. My decision is not to take on any more commitments right now. I appreciate being asked. I’m glad to be a club member and play in the team.

Example 3

ERIC:  Viv, I need .... urgently. Could you drop what you're doing and do it for me right away?

VIV (assertive with empathy):  I hate saying this, Eric, because I would like to help you out and I can hear it’s urgent, but the answer is no. I’m not free right now.  

ERIC:  But it needs to be done now!

VIV (frank and firm):  I’m really sorry to disappoint you. But right now I’m committed.

ERIC:  When can you do it, then?

VIV:  I’ll be free when I’ve completed the job I’m doing, but it won't be until ...

More reasons why you might benefit from this training in how to 'say no'

• It's sometimes necessary to put your foot down, to draw a clear line. You find this difficult.
• You'd like to be able to put foot down without stepping on people's toes, to be tough on the issue but not on the person.
• You sometimes say yes simply because you feel so bad about saying no.
• You sometimes need to be able to be firmer and clearer when you say no, so that people really get the message.