Saying No - Management Training & Leadership Coaching

Meet the trainers - Audio clip (19:40 minutes)

Listen to a discussion about how to 'Say No' 
without jeopardising your reputation and career 

What you'll take away from this course

How to "say no" without jeopardising your reputation or damaging your relationships
- a London UK management training and leadership coaching programme

• How to assertively 'say no' firmly but unaggressively while also creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding.

• How to show empathy to make it easier for other people to accept something they don’t want to hear.

• Lots of practice saying no in a variety of situations, scenarios and relationships.  Rehearse your skills over and over so you become increasingly comfortable standing up for yourself.

• Lots of attention from a communication skills specialist offering you have plenty of feedback, guidance and support, until you can confidently master the ability to say both what you want and what you don't want without upsetting anyone - until you become really good at it.

Are you a manager, leader or a professional keen to hone persuasion skills?

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A practical guide - how to 'say no'

How emotional intelligence can help you say 'no' without upsetting people

Why is it so hard to say no?

The reason why saying no is difficult is that it admits a clash of wills and risks confrontation.  When it’s a relationship we care about the fear of conflict is always hard to handle.  But if we can bring those feelings into the conversation they'll help us find the courage and integrity we need.  Learning to say no is easier once we've seen it work sucessfully.  The power of saying no politely both in business and with family can be liberating.

How to 'say no' firmly, assertively but un-aggressively with emotional intelligence

Here is a set of practical guidelines about how to say no that isn't rude or unprofessional.  There's no need to feel guilty.  Learning the art of saying no is a form of self care. 

1. First, say something positive or appreciative about what you are being asked to do, and the need that prompts them to ask.  When you show empathy for person who's asking you they will feel understood, it will make them less likely to push harder hoping you'll change you mind once you finally understand how important it is to them.  This works best if you are able to do this with a generous spirit. 
2. Then take time to register privately how you feel about doing it.  You might say, “I need moment to think about how to fit it into my diary.” or, “I need a some time to check my workload”, or “I need to discuss it with ...”.  This buys you time to think, and to craft your authentic honest response. 
3. Then say with clarity and assertiveness how you feel and why, e.g., "I'm worried about saying yes, because it would mean letting down someone I've already given my commitment to."
4. Wait for their response.
5. If they press you, be firm, clear and assertive in saying no, e.g., “I'm torn.  Part of me would love to be helpful, however unfortunately my decision is no because I'm worried that if I say yes to you it means saying no to someone else, and I'd feel really bad if I disappoint them." 

Why is emotional intelligence such a powerful way to say no?

People become irrational when their emotions are aroused.  We are more successful in life and at work if we are aware of, can admit, and can talk about feelings.

However, this goes against the grain because many of us have got used to suppress feelings.  Because our feelings can sometime be painful we learnt to protect ourselves (and others) by denying them with phrases like, "There, there, don't cry", "Pull yourself together", "Let's be rational - let's not get emotional".  We learnt that if we express a bad feeling the worse we feel, so we learnt to stop expressing it so we can feel better.

But this is a mistake.  The truth is that bottling up feelings makes us tense, defensive, unreasonable, close-minded, rigid and inhibited.  The more we are able to can admit and express feelings and let off steam the more we are able to be relaxed, reasonable, open-minded, flexible and uninhibited.  When we learn to talk about feelings in a safe way it enables us to connect better with others and recover the full use of our rational faculties.  Empathy and assertiveness are the skills that help us do this.  

This management training course and leadership coaching programme can teach you how to become really good at these skills.  Here are some examples.  The approach they illustrate is just as effective in the workplace, with friends and family.

Example 1 - How to say no to the boss

• ERIC:  Viv, I need .... urgently.  Could you drop what you're doing and do it for me right away?
• VIV (assertive with empathy):  I hate saying this, Eric, because I would like to help you out and I can hear it’s urgent, but the answer is no.  I’m not free right now.  
• ERIC:  But it needs to be done now!
• VIV (frank and firm):  I’m really sorry to disappoint you.  But right now I’m committed.
• ERIC:  When can you do it, then?
• VIV:  I’ll be free when I’ve completed the job I’m doing, but it won't be until ... I don't want to leave you in the lurch, so if you can't wait until then maybe I can help you find somebody else who might be able to help".

Example 2 - How to say no to friends

• CLUB CAPTAIN:  Pete, there’s a vacancy on the club committee. You’re just the kind of person we need.  I’d like you to join us.
• MEMBER (feels overwhelmed, but with mixed feelings): That’s very flattering, Chas.  Thank you for the invitation.  I need to think about it.
• CAPTAIN:  What’s to think about?  Just say yes.
• MEMBER (admits his feelings):  I’d like to.  But it doesn’t feel right.  It would be one more reason not to spend time with my wife and children.  I’m already away from home more than I want to be.
• CAPTAIN:  It won’t take much time.  We only meet once a month.
• MEMBER (finally able to be firmly assertive): No thank you, Chas.  My decision is not to take on any more commitments right now.  I'm flattered to be asked.  I’m glad to be a club member and play in the team.

Example 3 - How to say no to family

• 15 year old son:  Dad, a friend of mine is having a party this weekend. It’s all right if I go, isn’t it? 
• DAD (alarm bells start ringing):  Where is it?
• SON:  In his parents’ house. I’ll only be away one night.
• DAD (now feels under great pressure, but decides that rather than cave in and say ‘yes’ it would be better to be honest; speaks assertively):  I’m not happy about it at all.  I love you and think highly of you, but saying no to your friends when they ask you to do things that might not be good for you is very difficult even for an adult.  I don’t think you’ve had enough experience yet to stand up to that kind of pressure. 
• SON:  Lots of my friends are going.  Their parents have a more modern outlook. 
• DAD (finds courage and integrity in his gut feelings; continues to be assertive): I don’t like saying no to you, but my guts are telling me it would be wrong to say yes.
• SON:  Oh, Dad! Don’t be so old fashioned. It’ll look really bad if I can’t go.
• DAD (at last able to give a clear and firm ‘no’): You may be upset, but my answer’s no, and I’ve told you the reason why.
• SON (secretly relieved, and feeling very safe and cared for): Oh, all right then.

You might also find our pages on being more demanding and how to avoid being submissive relevant and helpful.

Testimonials

Examples of participants who have had this training on 'saying no'

• "A very intimate training which will make anyone reflect on how best to engage with colleagues when confronted with difficult situations". - Fundraising Officer, United Nations High Commission for Refugees (UNHCR) 

• "An unbelievable experience, highly motivating training and one of the few which stays forever in your mind.  A tangible impact to your life and working environment, and a great self-awareness wake-up call.  The thing I like most is the very simple approach that I can't forget but only want to practise more and more.  It was truly an investment in my success!" - Senior Engineer, Qualcomm