Chairing and Taking Part in Meetings - Management Skills Training

1. How to get people’s attention in a meeting

The assertive way of getting attention is to say, loud enough to be heard, “I want to make a point. What worries (alarms/concerns) me is … The reason why I’m so worried about it is …”, followed by a pause. Few words – powerful effect. What you're stating is not an opinion but a fact. No one can argue with you, because you're the one person qualified to say it. You can say it quietly but confidently and firmly because you really mean it. Of course, you need to be clear in your own mind exactly what your concern is and why you're concerned.

The other way is to use empathy. Say, loud enough to be heard, “I get the impression that what worries (alarms/concerns) you is … and the reason why it worries you is …”, followed by a pause allowing them to respond. This will help your colleagues focus their minds on the main issue they are discussing. It also gets their attention – they're then likely to be interested in what you think about it.

Assertiveness and empathy are the two core skills we all need for handling successul interactions. Once you've mastered them you'll find them extremely useful in meetings, whether you're running the meetings or just taking part.

2. Criticising someone's idea in a meeting

When someone gives birth to an idea they're naturally attached to it. It's their ‘baby’. When they feel it's being attacked they react as though they themselves are being attacked. So if you need to challenge them you'd better do it in a supportive way. Otherwise not only will you find yourself in bitter argument, but also you'll fail to influence them.

The trouble is, if you point out the weakness of an idea but say nothing of its strengths you give the impression you can't think of anything good to say about it. You probably don't mean to imply it's useless. It’s just that because you're worried about one of its weaknesses, that’s what you want to talk about. But the person hearing you inevitably draws the wrong conclusion. All he hears is your disapproval, and feeling disapproved of is one of those bad feelings that close people’s minds.

The remedy is simple and obvious – and not difficult – though it does require some effort. If you want an open-minded response when challenging someone’s idea in a meeting you'd better start by showing your appreciation – and the appreciation had better not be half-hearted. Then, instead of reacting defensively to what sounds like an attack, he'll feel genuinely approved of and be able to hear your concern with an open mind.

Example of an unsuccessful way to criticise someone's idea in a meeting

A marketing manager is talking to his colleague, the sales manager, about a new piece of work his department has produced. What we're looking at here is how the sales manager handles the conversation:-

MKTG MGR: You’ll be pleased to hear we’ve completed the new product brief. We’re very proud of it. It’s based on months of careful research and answers all of the questions and objections customers are raising. Once the sales force is trained to use it the way it’s been designed to be used we calculate it will significantly improve our sales figures. We’re ready to start the training now.

SALES MGR: I’m totally against forcing all the sales people into a one-size-fits-all straightjacket. It de-skills them – ruins them as salesmen.

Imagine you're the marketing manager. What effect has the sales manager’s response had on you? Your blood pressure has probably gone through the roof and you feel ready to fight to the death to protect your ‘baby’. What do you imagine the sales manager thinks of your work, on a scale from Zero (totally useless) to 100 (incredibly valuable)? You probably imagine he thinks it's pretty useless, and that of course greatly diminishes your respect for him and his ideas. So you dismiss what he says with contempt:-

MKTG: I see. You say this after we’ve spent hundreds of thousands developing the best product brief we’ve ever had. The trouble with you sales people is you’re totally stick-in-the-mud!

SALES: The trouble with you marketing people is you live in cloud cuckoo land!

Not, perhaps, the most successful approach! They end in bitter deadlock.

Example of a successful way to criticise someone's idea in a meeting

But let's see how the sales manager might have achieved a better result with the approach below. Even though he (the sales manager) is being quite tough the marketing manager remains open to persuasion because he never feels attacked:-

SALES (starts with convincing praise) I’ve studied the brief carefully and I’m very impressed with the work that’s gone into it. I particularly like the thorough way you’ve analysed and answered all customers’ questions and concerns. I believe the sales force will find this extremely helpful.

MKTG (surprised, pleased but a little sceptical): Are you sure you’re feeling okay? I’ve never heard you be so complimentary before!

SALES: I mean it, though.

MKTG (his doubt about the sales manager’s sincerity set at rest): Thanks.

SALES (assertive) I do have a major worry.

MKTG: Which is?

SALES: If you put it over to the sales force as a rigid one-size-fits-all straightjacket they will be de-skilled and demotivated by it. The problem is the way it tries to take control of the sales interview.

MKTG: Yes, but surely if they follow the method we suggest they’ll get far better results.

SALES (assertive): Now I’m even more worried because you’re not taking me seriously. We’ve had this problem before. I don’t want to lose any more of my best sales people.

MKTG: What are you suggesting, then?

SALES: A more flexible approach to the sales interview itself, allowing the salesman more room for skill and discretion.

MKTG: Okay. Could you spare some time to help us modify that section of the brief?

SALES: I’d be glad to.

Comment

This is obviously a much more successful approach. The genuine appreciation he received from the sales manager enabled the marketing manager to listen to the sales manager's concern with an open mind. 

Summary of how to criticise someone’s idea

This approach works as well in a meeting as it does one-to-one:-

• Always start with generous praise. There are two ways of doing this – either or both can be used - one is to say specifically what you like about the idea and why you like it. The second is to show (with empathy) your understanding of the thinking, feelings and intention behind it.
• Then speak assertively about your concern. Say specifically what you don’t like about his idea and why you don’t like it.
• Don’t forget to pause for his response, after both the praise and the criticism.

3. Responding to a negative question or comment in a meeting

Imagine you're introducing a change in working methods to your team, and one of them says:-

• “Whose stupid idea is it to make this change, anyway?”

The person who asked this question obviously feels bad. But instead of being aware of it and admitting it, his feelings erupt in the form of an aggressive question. He sounds very negative, and your heart sinks because he is threatening to create a bad atmosphere in the meeting. But actually, even though he sometimes expresses himself negatively, he is a highly motivated member of the team. Behind his aggressive question is a genuine concern. Here are some of the possible responses you might make. Which do you prefer?

A: Please try to be more positive. That kind of negative comment won’t get us anywhere.

B: Why do you feel so bad about the change?

C: You obviously feel bad about the change. I imagine it’s because you need to be convinced there’s a good reason for it before agreeing go along with it.

Response A makes him feel badly misunderstood and put down – an insult he will need time to recover from. The others learn from this that they had better keep quiet or they may get similar treatment. The atmosphere in the meeting goes downhill fast. Everyone feels bad. The mood of the meeting goes against you and against the change you need them to agree to. Response B is better because it accepts his aggression without judgement and encourages him to say more about what is bothering him. It's therefore more encouraging to the rest of the group. But it's response C that reaches out to him in a generous and energetic way and makes him feel respected and understood. It creates a very good atmosphere in the meeting. 

What effect does this empathic response have on others in the meeting? The others now feel encouraged to speak up frankly about their concerns. The atmosphere in the meeting rapidly improves. Everyone feels good. Their mood is now for you and for the change you want them to agree to. Their confidence in you has been given an enormous boost. Listening with empathy is one of the main things you'll learn and practise on the Skills with People course.