Saying no

Most of us find it difficult to say no.  It feels risky.  The risk is of conflict.  Part of our genetic inheritance may be a deep-seated aversion to conflict which might have evolved over millions of years as an instinct for the survival of the species.  But whether or not this is the case, it is certainly reinforced by social conditioning – from an early age we tend to be punished for saying no and rewarded for saying yes.

So it is inevitable that saying no will tend to arouse negative emotions, not only in the person being opposed, but also in you, the person doing the opposing, and it is because of these negative emotions that most of us find it difficult.

Emotional intelligence is a set of conversational skills for handling negative emotions.  The basic idea is that, contrary to what many people assume, talking about feelings, done skilfully, actually makes them easier to cope with, while ignoring them tends to make matters worse.  In principle talking about feelings isn’t difficult – in fact it’s a very straight-forward, helpful and honest thing to do, but in practice many people struggle with it because they’re not used to it – it goes against a life-time of social conditioning.

The emotionally intelligent way to say no

To say no successfully you need to have a conversation.  Your goal is to create an honest atmosphere of mutual respect and understanding in which your refusal will be accepted without being taken the wrong way.  In the conversation you therefore need to do three things:

• leave no doubt in the other person’s mind that your answer is no (otherwise they may keep pressing)
• be honest about the feelings you are experiencing in saying no, and why you are having to do it (otherwise they may jump to the wrong conclusion about you and your motives)
• show understanding and respect for how they feel about your refusal to comply with their request, and allow them to let off steam about it (this will help them calm down and be more ready to accept your refusal).

Example

“With regret, I’m going to have to say no.  We’ve thought about this carefully in the department.  We believe we should keep our options open right now because . . .”

Pause to allow a response.  Don’t hurry on.  Then,
“I feel bad saying no to you, because I can see this won’t be an easy message for you to give back to the minister.  Also I don’t want you to think I’m just being awkward.”

Pause to allow a response.  Don’t hurry on.  Then,
“I can see this isn’t what you wanted to hear.”  Pause to let him let off steam.  “Would it help if we discussed how it could be presented to the minister?”

Of course, conversing in this way is no panacea.  It may still be difficult to avoid conflict and misunderstanding when you say no.  But the level of difficulty will, in most cases, be significantly reduced.