Case Study for January 2008 - Getting into Arguments

Problem

Marketing manager with lots of good ideas and enthusiasm but a tendency to get into arguments.  She would argue her case and then get impatient of people didn’t see reason.  She was becoming very frustrated with her colleagues because they almost always seemed to resist her ideas, which meant that her actual contribution to the business fell far short of her potential contribution.  Others perceived her as arrogant, which made the problem worse because it meant people tended to be unwilling to co-operate with her.  Her director was concerned both about her effect on others, and also about her own reaction.  He didn’t want to lose her but he was worried that she was becoming so discouraged that she might be looking for another job.  He tried to suggest she try to be a little less forceful in making her points, but she didn’t seem very receptive to the suggestion.

Diagnosis

She was a clear thinker and always lucid when making her points.  Whenever someone resisted a point she would calmly and politely reason with them.  Her conversations where typically punctuated with the words, “Yes, but …”, or, “I hear what you say, however …”.  If the resistance continued her frustration would increase and her calmness and politeness would decrease.  She was passionate about her ideas – they were usually very good ones - and so she was deeply disappointed when she failed to get others to go along with them.  But since one of her strengths was that she was a persistent and determined person, her conversations would often degenerate into quite bitter arguments.

Mental Obstacles to Change

There were two underlying mental obstacles to change, and both would have to be overcome if the change was to be genuine and lasting.  The first was that although she had never thought consciously about it, her strongly held underlying assumption was that persuasion works by reasoning with people – giving them facts and logic.  If they resist, they need more facts and logic -  hence the “Yes, but” style of conversation.  The result was that when she was in disagreement with someone she never seemed to be aware of their concerns, and this, unsurprisingly, tended to put them on the defensive.  Actually she was aware of other people’s concerns.  It is just that she didn’t seem to be because she never acknowledged them.  All she ever did was argue her own case.   The second mental obstacle was that she was always in a hurry to get people to agree with her, which meant that she did not allow herself time to show that she was taking other people’s concerns seriously.  In a nut-shell, she did too much talking and not enough listening, when trying to persuade.

Remedy

She first needed to be made aware that her habitual method of persuasion, i.e., reasoning with facts and logic, was causing her a serious problem, because it showed no appreciation of other people’s concerns.  She had to be made aware that it is natural for people to become defensive and unreceptive if they do not feel their concerns are being taken seriously.  At first she resisted this idea, but finally accepted it when she saw it for herself on a video recording of one of her own conversations.  Then she needed to be shown, with coaching and practice, how to slow down and listen with empathy to other people’s when they resist an idea.  In this way she learned to be much more balanced in her conversations between putting forward her own ideas, and listening with understanding and respect to other people’s issues.  And what she learned she was able to retain, and it transformed her relationships at work.  Quite quickly complaints about her arrogance, as well as other people’s resistance to her, evaporated.